


Karkat and Dave: The Vagina Dialogues

by drhicks76



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Gen, KarDave, davekat - Freeform, rosemary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 05:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/858534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drhicks76/pseuds/drhicks76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, for something completely different, I decided to try my hand at a Dave and Karkat chatlog, just to see if I could write these two.  This is the result.  This takes place sometime after "Penis Ouija", and involves Karkat trying to deal with the idea of RoseMary being a thing that is happening.  Dave is not entirely a fan of Karkat's company but does his best to screw with Karkat's thinkpan for his own entertainment.  While Rose and Kanaya don't make an appearance, most of the conversation is about them.  Dave and Karkat end up discussing naughty bits (or at least what they think troll and human bits would look like), hence the title.  This is straight up comedy, and I hope you think I did these two justice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karkat and Dave: The Vagina Dialogues

KARKAT: DAVE ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BULGECHOMPING SLIMETASTING THINKPAN???

DAVE: im going to pretend i actually understood precisely any of that

DAVE: wait no

DAVE: no if i actually did pretend that would encourage you to keep shouting 

DAVE: so im gonna just not say anything and hope that you forgot that i said that in the first place

KARKAT: THIS. THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF GIBBERING PSEUDOIRONIC GOBBELDYSHIT I’D EXPECT FROM YOUR SISTER.

KARKAT: AND I STILL DON’T EXACTLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK A SISTER IS IN THE FIRST PLACE WHERE YOU HAIRY HORNLESS HOOFBEAST TOUCHERS COME FROM BUT KNOW THIS.

KARKAT: YOUR SO CALLED SISTER AND MY.

KARKAT: MY.

KARKAT: WHATEVER THE HEAVING HELLS YOU’D CALL MARYAM AND I,

KARKAT: ARE MAKING NOISES TOGETHER.

DAVE: uh 

DAVE: holy alliteration crab man

KARKAT: DO YOU GET WHAT I’M GETTING AT STRIDER? 

KARKAT: I COULD HEAR THEM IN THE HALLWAY AS I WALKED BY ROSE’S QUARTERS.

KARKAT: THE SOUNDS OF THEIR TONGUEMASHING WAS INFECTING MY SPONGE CLOTS AND MAKING MY THINKPAN WRITHE IN ITS OWN GOO. 

KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT’S LIKE? 

KARKAT: ANY AT ALL?

KARKAT: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME YOU SELF ABSORBED GRUBNUGGET?

KARKAT: OR ARE YOU JUST LETTING YOUR TONGUETACLE OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL THAT PINK FLESHY THING  
THAT FLUTTERS AROUND UNTETHERED IN YOUR FACE TWIST IN THE WIND WHILE YOU COMPLETELY DISREGARD WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU?

KARKAT: WHICH IS THAT ROSE AND KANAYA ARE.

KARKAT: ARE.

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: …

DAVE: okay ill bite

DAVE: arr arr? 

DAVE: are you telling me that both rose and kanaya 

DAVE: are actually

DAVE: PIRATES?

KARKAT: MMMRGRGHH

DAVE: shit i thought i knew rose better than that

DAVE: i really wish she would have told me

DAVE: that she was some kind of brigand

DAVE: and into appropriating ships and their cargo to further her own fortunes

DAVE: the least she could have done to let me know

DAVE: was wear an eyepatch

DAVE: or even a parrot

DAVE: parrots are badass

DAVE: do you trolls even have parrots

DAVE: probably call them screechbird featherbeasts or something equally fucked up

KARKAT: GIVE ME ONE REASON, STRIDER,

KARKAT: ONE ITTY BITTY MINISCULE REASON,

KARKAT: WHY I SHOULDN’T GRAB YOU BY THE COLLAR, ROLL YOU UP INTO YOUR MAJESTICALLY RIDICULOUS CAPE  
AND FLUSH YOU OUT OF THE NEAREST BULGESMOKING AIRLOCK LIKE THE FESTERING SHIT SANDWICH THAT YOU ARE?

DAVE: because youd fail miserably in the attempt

DAVE: almost to the degree that i failed in dissuading you from continuing to beat your gums at me

DAVE: although i was the one hoping against hope for a little peace and quiet there

DAVE: and even though i finally got it for the briefest of moments

DAVE: i find myself inviting that much more shouting into my life

DAVE: just so you can finally say what you need to say

DAVE: and then make like a tree and get out of here 

DAVE: besides

DAVE: have you already forgot what happened last time you threatened to touch my cape?

DAVE: whats the troll word for suplex?

KARKAT: YOU KNOW DAVE FOR SOMEONE WHO PURPORTS TO BE SO FUCKING INTELLIGENT,

KARKAT: EVEN IN THE FACE OF OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY,

KARKAT: YOU CONTINUE TO SPEW INANITY FROM YOUR NOOKSPHINCTER WITHOUT ANY  
REGARD TO WHOSE SPONGE CLOTS YOU DEFECATE IN. 

KARKAT: IT’S A WONDER YOU WEREN’T CULLED LONG BEFORE YOU ENDED UP INFESTING MY EXISTENCE.

DAVE: wait

DAVE: hold up

DAVE: i got it

KARKAT: GOT WHAT?

DAVE: neckgrabbing backflop with accompanying tablesmash

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

KARKAT: ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT STRIDER?

DAVE: a suplex

DAVE: that’s what your pointy headed grey skinned wrestledudes can call it

KARKAT: NNNNNNNNGGG

DAVE: youre welcome

KARKAT: THAT’S IT.

DAVE: well thank troll jegus

DAVE: its about time

KARKAT: FOR WHAT?

DAVE: well you just said thats it

DAVE: and in the part of the universe that i come from

DAVE: that means youre done doing whatever it is youre doing

DAVE: and in this case

DAVE: that means hanging around in my personal space

DAVE: like some kind of confused space invader

DAVE: so why don’t you just run along

DAVE: or move back and forth sideways 

DAVE: before you get shot down by an earthling

DAVE: oh hey

DAVE: crabs move sideways too

DAVE: this works on multiple levels

KARKAT: YOU.

KARKAT: ARE NOT MAKING A LICK OF SENSE.

KARKAT: SO I’M GOING TO SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY,

KARKAT: AND YOU CAN DO WITH IT WHATEVER YOU PLEASE.

KARKAT: FRANKLY, I HOPE YOU GREASE IT UP WITH GRUBPASTE AND STICK IT SIDEWAYS INTO WHATEVER ORIFICE YOU FIND FIRST.

KARKAT: BUT DAMN YOUR HIDEOUS, HORNLESS HEAD I’M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

DAVE: when the hell did you start alliterating like that?

KARKAT: NO! ZIP IT! MY TURN NOW! NO MORE STRIDER TALKING! 

KARKAT: NO MORE “HEY I’M GONNA JUST LAY HERE AND BLATHER ENDLESSLY ABOUT RHYMING AND WRESTING AND ALL KINDS OF OTHER RUNNYSHIT JIBBERJABBER WHEN SOMEONE WHO HAS MORE THAN HALF A FUNCTIONING THINKPAN IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING USEFUL!”

DAVE: i don’t sound like that at all karkat

KARKAT: YOU SHOULD FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF!

KARKAT: THE SCUMCRUSTED FILTH THAT TRICKLES FROM YOUR SHOUTHOLE IS ENOUGH TO SEND ANY TROLL WITHOUT THIRD DEGREE PAN DAMAGE SCREECHING FOR THE EXITS IN SEARCH OF A REFUSECAN TO HIDE IN UNTIL THE AUDIOBARRAGE FINALLY ABATES!

DAVE: so what youre saying is that youve got third degree pan damage then

KARKAT: AT NO POINT DID I SAY THAT.

DAVE: well im still talking and yet you still havent made for the exit yet

DAVE: screeching or otherwise

KARKAT: ENOUGH.

KARKAT: OKAY, DAVE. HERE IT IS. SERVED UP ON A SILVER NUTRITION PLATEAU JUST FOR YOU.

KARKAT: JUST POP THE LID OFF AND TAKE IT ALL IN. 

KARKAT: I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO THREATEN TO CRAM IT DOWN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE. 

KARKAT: YOU CAN JUST SWALLOW IT AT YOUR OWN PACE.

DAVE: wow

DAVE: ive never been so hungry and nauseous at the same time

DAVE: or is this another one of your trollsex euphemisms

KARKAT: NO.

KARKAT: FUCK NO.

KARKAT: WAIT.

KARKAT: I’M JUST...

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT. HERE COMES THE NEWS WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT, YOU OBTUSE TOOL!

KARKAT: DROP YOUR BULGES AND GRAB YOUR...

KARKAT: YOUR...

KARKAT: DAMMIT STRIDER WHAT RHYMES WITH BULGES AND HAPPENS TO BE SOMETHING YOU CAN GRAB?

DAVE: you are such an amateur

DAVE: if you were actually in a serious fucking rap battle youd have moms spaghetti all  
over your sweater already 

KARKAT: STOP DRONING ON ABOUT STAINED CLOTHING AND ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

DAVE: gee when you ask me like that how could i possibly refuse?

KARKAT: NOW YOU’RE FINALLY GETTING IT.

DAVE: bulges eh

DAVE: fuck what rhymes with bulge

DAVE: is this like the lost orange word?

KARKAT: AS FAR AS I KNOW, ORANGEBLOODS HAVE JUST AS MANY WORDS AT THEIR DISPOSAL AS  
ANYONE ELSE. DON’T BE SUCH A TYPIST SHITBRICK. 

DAVE: are you for real

DAVE: nothing rhymes with orange you ass

DAVE: im trying to think of whether or not anything rhymes with bulge at all

KARKAT: WELL?

DAVE: fuck off for a minute im thinking

KARKAT: HA!

KARKAT: SO MUCH FOR YOUR VAUNTED RHYMES, STRIDER!

KARKAT: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A NUBSUCKING FRAUD?

DAVE: dunno

DAVE: never sucked a nub before

DAVE: at least not that i know of

DAVE: show me yours and ill tell you if i have

KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE A NUB YOU IGNORANT SLUDGECHUCKER! 

KARKAT: DID YOU HAPPEN TO SKIP OUT FROM YOUR EDUHIVE THE NIGHT THAT LESSON WAS TAUGHT?

KARKAT: DID THE IDEA OF ACTUALLY LEARNING ABOUT THE BITS BETWEEN YOUR LEGS SCARE COOL KID DAVE STRIDER?

KARKAT: WHAT’S THE MATTER? THE “RAILS AND THE PAILS” TOO MUCH FOR YOU?

DAVE: i swear to fuck karkat

DAVE: you bring that creepy ass book with the naked trolls on the cover in here again

DAVE: i will do way more than just give you a neckgrabbing backflop onto a table 

KARKAT: WELL IF YOU WON’T PAY ATTENTION TO THE LESSON, MAYBE YOUR SISTER WILL!

KARKAT: SHE’S PROBABLY GETTING ONE RIGHT NOW!

DAVE: settle down darth vantas

DAVE: i… 

DAVE: wait what

DAVE: for fucks sake karkat

DAVE: if you gave her that nasty piece of literary trash to read

DAVE: and knowing rose she will actually read it too

KARKAT: I DIDN’T GIVE HER THE BOOK, YOU CHUM SPEWING IGNORAMUS! 

KARKAT: SHE’S GETTING A HANDS ON EDUCATION COURTESY OF KANAYA MARYAM!

KARKAT: DOES THIS FINALLY COMPUTE IN THAT PRIMITIVE CHUNK OF MEAT YOU CALL A THINKPAN?

DAVE: i can honestly say

DAVE: in all my years of existence

DAVE: that i have never even once

DAVE: called my brain 

DAVE: a thinkpan

KARKAT: IT’S ONE THING TO MISS A POINT, STRIDER;

KARKAT: IT’S ANOTHER ALTOGETHER TO WATCH IT GO SCREAMING ACROSS THE SKY OVER YOUR HEAD  
LIKE A METEOR.

KARKAT: I’D SAY WAVE TO IT AS IT WHISTLES PAST YOUR SHADES COVERED FACE,

KARKAT: BUT THEN YOU WOULDN’T HAVE ACTUALLY MISSED THE FUCKING POINT. 

DAVE: dude let me explain you a thing

DAVE: i know all about this

DAVE: rose and kanaya have been spending some quality time together

DAVE: holding hands

DAVE: whispering in each others ears

DAVE: kissing each others lips

DAVE: thats what people who are totally into each other do

DAVE: i figure thats probably what you heard when you went by their door

KARKAT: WAIT A SECOND.

KARKAT: BACK UP THE SHITSTAINED GAPERSUCKING TRUCK FOR A MOMENT.

KARKAT: YOU KNEW?

DAVE: if anyone still said well duh anymore thats what id say right now

DAVE: if i could use these supercool time powers properly right now

DAVE: id take us back to a time when saying well duh still meant something

DAVE: when a perfectly timed well duh would get that laugh track cackling with  
unrestrained mirth

KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK “WELL DUH” MEANS IN THE FIRST PLACE!

DAVE: quit bragging

KARKAT: I JUST...

KARKAT: I MEAN...

KARKAT: OKAY, ROSE IS PRETTY DAMN BRIGHT,

KARKAT: FOR A MEMBER OF YOUR SPECIES AT LEAST.

KARKAT: BUT DOES SHE HAVE *ANY* IDEA WHAT SHE’S GETTING HERSELF INTO?

DAVE: funny

DAVE: i could make that very same statement

DAVE: except replace the word rose

DAVE: with the word kanaya

DAVE: and it would carry the very same sentiment

DAVE: how does that grab your shoutpole

KARKAT: SEE?

KARKAT: YOU SHOULD HAVE READ THE CRACKSCRAPING BOOK!

KARKAT: THEN YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT I DON’T HAVE A SHOUTPOLE!

DAVE: i see

DAVE: so thats a kanaya thing then?

KARKAT: IF YOU WEREN’T SUCH A KNUCKLEDRAGGING SHIT-FOR-PAN, YOU’D KNOW THAT SHOUTPOLES  
ARE PUNCTUATION USED TO DENOTE EXCLAMATIONS! 

DAVE: hm

DAVE: okay

DAVE: i think i got this now

DAVE: so when rose and kanaya are doing things in the dark 

DAVE: theres gonna be a whole lot of shoutpoles being used

DAVE: am i right

KARKAT: YES!

KARKAT: I MEAN, NO!

KARKAT: I MEAN...

KARKAT: FUCK

DAVE: well they might be that far along

DAVE: really none of my business

DAVE: or yours

KARKAT: THANKS.

KARKAT: THANKS OH SO MUCH FOR THAT THOUGHT, DAVE.

KARKAT: LIKE MY PAN WASN’T SQUIRMING BEFORE.

DAVE: anytime

KARKAT: I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THAT WOULD... ENTAIL?

DAVE: oh god

DAVE: youre actually going there

KARKAT: CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

DAVE: no

KARKAT: NO REALLY. 

DAVE: no

DAVE: really

KARKAT: IS IT TRUE?

KARKAT: WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT HUMANS?

DAVE: who said what about humans

DAVE: that we have an incredibly low capacity for tolerating weird troll shit?

DAVE: absolutely true

DAVE: one hundred percent validated

DAVE: take that shit to the bank

DAVE: make a motherfucking killing on the weird troll shit stock exchange

KARKAT: NO NO NO!

KARKAT: IS IT TRUE THAT HUMANS HAVE...

KARKAT: YOU KNOW...

KARKAT: …

DAVE: spit it out man

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: TENTACLES 

KARKAT: DOWN THERE?

DAVE: …

KARKAT: …

DAVE: …

DAVE: you have got to be kidding me

DAVE: hahahahahahahahaahahahah

DAVE: hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

DAVE: im fucking dying

KARKAT: WELL???

DAVE: nope still dying

DAVE: bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa

DAVE: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

DAVE: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

DAVE: okay im good

KARKAT: WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?

DAVE: got me

DAVE: anyway to answer your question

DAVE: no we dont have tentacles

DAVE: we have ovipositors 

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: …

DAVE: dude im kidding

DAVE: you should see the look on your face though

DAVE: worth every boonbuck i have

KARKAT: DAVE, YOU REALIZE THAT IF YOU KEEP DOING GREASY SHIT LIKE THAT I’LL NEVER BE  
ABLE TO BELIEVE A WORD YOU SAY.

DAVE: it amazes me that you do now

DAVE: what im laughing so hard about

DAVE: is that we were wondering the exact same thing about you guys

KARKAT: WONDERING WHAT?

DAVE: if all these bulges you keep going on about

DAVE: all these nasty ass alien swear words you keep pitching at me

DAVE: like bonebulge and what not

DAVE: were actually words that meant that you trolls

DAVE: had tentacles down there too

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: SERIOUSLY.

KARKAT: YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT WE...?

DAVE: hey bonebulge sounds way more tentacle-ier than penis

DAVE: come to think of it penis really doesn’t sound like much other than what it is

KARKAT: OH THIS IS TOO FUCKING GOOD FOR WORDS.

DAVE: and yet you keep talking

KARKAT: OH MY FUCK YOU THINK THAT WE HAVE?

DAVE: okay okay i get it no need to make a federal fucking issue about it

DAVE: i mean we were actually kind of thinking that maybe you guys

DAVE: and girls for that matter

DAVE: had the same junk

DAVE: you know? 

KARKAT: WELL, GUESS WHO’S ABOUT TO FIND OUT?

DAVE: rose 

DAVE: i told you karkat i know that she and kan are having a good time

DAVE: at least i hope its a good time

DAVE: if she comes home with a throbbing bulge in her chest you and me are gonna have  
words

KARKAT: UH…

KARKAT: THROBBING BULGE?

KARKAT: WEREN’T YOU LISTENING, STRIDER? LET ME SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU.

KARKAT: KANAYA

KARKAT: DOESN’T

KARKAT: HAVE

KARKAT: A

KARKAT: BULGE.

DAVE: i meant like a 

DAVE: shit how do i describe this crazy alien shit to a

DAVE: crazy alien

DAVE: okay there was this movie where

DAVE: these people got mixed up with these aliens

DAVE: and the aliens turning out to be acid spitting space nasties

DAVE: that laid eggs in people and

DAVE: the thing would burst out of their chests and

DAVE: you know what maybe i should check on rose

KARKAT: NOW YOU UNDERSTAND MY CONCERNS! 

KARKAT: AT LAST! THE LIGHT HAS COME ON! DAVE COOLKID STRIDER GETS IT!

KARKAT: LET THE SCREECHBIRDS SCREECH AND THE FLAGS FLY!

DAVE: ha i was right

KARKAT: …ER, ABOUT WHAT?

DAVE: screechbirds 

KARKAT: NEVER MIND THE NOOKSNIFFING SCREECHBIRDS! WHO KNOWS WHAT BIZARRE THING  
ROSE HAS PUT IN KANAYA’S SEEDFLAP! 

DAVE: i says pardon?

KARKAT: WELL YOU NEVER DID TELL ME WHAT SHE HAS DOWN THERE. ALL THAT CREEPY FUCKING  
OVIPOSITOR TALK HAS GOT ME JUST THE LITTLEST BIT ON EDGE IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED!

DAVE: okay the very last thing on my list of shit i planned on doing tonight 

DAVE: number last with a bullet

DAVE: was giving you the lowdown on roses vagina 

KARKAT: WHOA. WAIT A DAMN SECOND. WHAT THE TAINTCHAFING FUCK IS A VAGINA? HOW DO YOU  
SPELL THAT?

DAVE: seriously 

DAVE: its spelled bork bork bork

DAVE: i dont read or write your weird alien language remember?

DAVE: but somehow i speak it whatevs

DAVE: and wait you guys have taints?

KARKAT: OF COURSE WE HAVE TAINTS! WHAT THE BLOODY HELLS HAVE I SAID OR DONE IN THE LAST  
FEW MINUTES THAT WOULD SUGGEST OTHERWISE?

KARKAT: WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR TAINT?

DAVE: i… 

DAVE: you know what

DAVE: of all the questions i thought id never be asked

DAVE: where do you keep your taint has to be awfully high on that list

DAVE: wait let me check

DAVE: yep there it is

DAVE: right between is it true youve watched con air six thousand times and 

DAVE: president strider just how many licks does it take to get to the center of

DAVE: the statue of liberty?

DAVE: i have an answer for that one though

DAVE: the answer is all of them

KARKAT: OH GOD DON’T BRING HER INTO IT. PLEASE DON’T EVEN.

DAVE: who

KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHO?

DAVE: id like to hope a self proclaimed genius such as yourself would be able to  
understand

DAVE: a question with a depth like that one

DAVE: who means who dude

KARKAT: YOU MEAN TEREZI DIDN’T TELL YOU?

DAVE: lets not get into this again

KARKAT: I MEAN VRISKA. I THOUGHT TEREZI WOULD HAVE POURED HER PUSHER OUT TO YOU ABOUT HER BY NOW.

DAVE: okay

DAVE: yes shes mentioned vriska

DAVE: shes also mentioned that its not something she really feels right discussing with me

DAVE: that its something only you and her would truly understand

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: OH.

DAVE: yeah

KARKAT: ALL RIGHT THEN. SO…

KARKAT: WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT KANAYA AND ROSE?

DAVE: do?

KARKAT: MUCH LIKE “WHO”, “DO” SEEMS PRETTY SELF EXPLANATORY.

DAVE: leave them alone to explore each others happy places in peace?

KARKAT: LAST TIME I CHECKED THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF “DO”.

DAVE: sometimes doing nothing is more useful than doing something

DAVE: meditate on this truth grasshopper

KARKAT: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME, YOU BLISTERED GLOBESAC?

DAVE: um grasshopper 

DAVE: is that a swear too or what

DAVE: like a euphemism for sex outside or something

DAVE: do you guys even have grass to hop in

DAVE: or does that chafe your taint

KARKAT: REMIND ME WHY I TALK TO YOU.

DAVE: no way 

DAVE: if i did you might actually keep coming to talk to me

DAVE: and nobody wants that

DAVE: least of all me

KARKAT: AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS. 

KARKAT: IN SOME BIZARRE FASHION.

KARKAT: IRONICALLY EVEN.

DAVE: if i was i couldnt tell you could i

DAVE: wouldnt be terribly ironic anymore

KARKAT: I…

KARKAT: GUESS?

DAVE: good

DAVE: now that weve come to an understanding feel free to vacate my room

DAVE: or hive or block or whatever weird ass word you have for it

DAVE: and kindly stay out of roses while youre at it

KARKAT: FINE.

KARKAT: IF I HAVE TO.

KARKAT: I GUESS.

DAVE: whats the big deal anyway

DAVE: kanaya can take care of herself pretty well no?

DAVE: i heard about how she bisected that hairy dan guy

KARKAT: ERIDAN. AND THE LESS SAID ABOUT HIM, THE BETTER.

DAVE: sure no prob

DAVE: but seriously

DAVE: you knock on that door with a story about anything less frightening than 

DAVE: i dunno

DAVE: big green alien eggs all over the lower decks

DAVE: and big momma chestburster dripping acid saliva all over them

DAVE: shes got teeth in places she shouldnt have teeth just so you know

DAVE: if your story doesnt have at least that level of scary shit

DAVE: like level one hundred and one on the scaryshitometer

DAVE: then youre going to find yourself starring in your own horror movie

DAVE: pissed off chainsaw space lesbians in space

DAVE: starring karkat vantas as the hapless victim

DAVE: and there aint no sigourney weaver in sight to bail your ass out

DAVE: one swing of the chainsaw and boom game over man game over

DAVE: the end

DAVE: the moral of the story

DAVE: dont smoke 

KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE GALLOPING FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE,  
STRIDER. 

KARKAT: NOT EVEN THE SLIGHTEST.

KARKAT: WHY AM I EVEN HERE?

DAVE: thats more like it

DAVE: man i wish i could show you that movie now

DAVE: just so you could see what im talking about

DAVE: but if it helps

DAVE: the best part of all

DAVE: the aliens that lay the eggs inside of people

DAVE: the chestbursters

DAVE: they look like

DAVE: vaginas with teeth

KARKAT: KANAYA!!! KANAYA!!! RUN!!! SHE HAS A VAGINA!!!

DAVE: aw for fucks sake

DAVE: KARKAT! I WAS KIDDING! GET BACK HERE!


End file.
